Just around the bend

I have to admit, I feel pretty lost sometimes now that the prospect of forging my own career is on the horizon. Whenever people find out I’ve graduated and ask the inevitable question of, “So what’s next for you?”, I feel like I’m under a microscope.I had a plan myself going into this summer, but the more I think about my future, the more I question it. I keep erasing and rewriting my plan, scribbling arrows and bullet pointing all over it.

There are some fellow recent graduates who I’m working with this summer who have precise career goals in mind, grad schools picked out, and networking opportunities zeroed in on. Listening to them give their impressive answers for the “what’s next” question, I feel even more lost. I even subtly scooted out of a conversation last week because I realized that two very impressive people I’m working with were telling a third party about their next steps and career goals, and I did not want to be the one to hem and haw about if’s and maybe’s after their impressive answers.

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Basically how I feel when people ask me about the future.

I guess I don’t have much faith in the idea of planning my life out any more. I’ve tried doing that quite a bit in the last few years, and my life turned out completely, completely different from how I anticipated. I went into my freshman year of college thinking that I would absolutely love my school, become really popular there, get involved in lots of activities, graduate summa cum laude, get married the summer after (in Christian college tradition), work as a teacher for a couple years, and then settle down and pop out some babies. If I really wanted to be wild, maybe I’d homeschool them.

I could almost laugh at how differently my life has turned out. After three years of trying to make things work and failing to make friends or find my place on campus, I transferred schools, graduated late, still haven’t gone on a date, and talk about careers and grad school and networking while acquaintances from my original school register at Buy Buy Baby. There are so many other little parts of my life that have been completely unexpected, but ultimately, I’m really happy with how things turned out. Even the really shitty parts ended up having purpose, as trite as it sounds to say. But it’s hard to say I know what I want to do for the future because life has hammered it pretty well into my head that things never turn out the way you think they will.

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A room with a view

Early this morning these thoughts were still on my mind when I woke up way too early for work. I closed the curtains against the newly risen sun and tried to get back to sleep, but I felt restless, especially after having caught a glimpse of the magnificent view outside: a misty field of wheat backed by green rolling hills and crowned with the warmth of the fresh sunlight. I decided it was too good of a photo opp for my artsy soul to pass up, threw on a flannel shirt and some flip flops and tried to open the door as quietly as possible to go outside.

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The cool dewy morning air greeted me as I wandered across the street to take in the view from my window. There were overgrown weeds obscuring the view, so I wandered a little further to see if I could get a better shot. Each few yards, I would get a completely different view of things, and soon I bumped into two pastoral little country roads lined with rows of crops. The stillness, the peace, the beauty of things so far beyond me and the stupid little problems I complain about every day…I finally felt truly grateful for where I was and when I was, if you will.

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A couple weeks ago, a lady on staff here where I’m working at told us about how she once went to Mexico to see the Monarch butterfly migration, and while she was there, she had an epiphany that she wanted to go to grad school and become an entomologist. Some people made fun of the story later, but I kind of envy her experience.

I wish that when I went on my early morning amble today, I had had a moment of realization where everything clicked into place and I suddenly knew what to say when people ask me what the hell I’m doing next. But the only realization I came away with was that I am supposed to be here right now. And in a couple months, I’ll be somewhere else. And I’ll supposed to be there too. Every few feet you walk in life, there’s a different view. It’s hard to strike a balance between remembering to savor and take in the sights right around you while still staying fixed on your destination. I tend to either zero in on where I’m going and forget to appreciate what I’m passing by on the way there.

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So maybe it’s for the best that I don’t have a destination mapped out right now. It forces you to just keep exploring, looking for the next opportunity, and enjoying the sights each one affords. When we get caught up in the end goal, we tend to get tunnel vision, turning everything into a countdown to some aspiration that may not even be as fulfilling as we think. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to have plans, goals, and focus – I envy people who do and wish I had a better idea myself – but I think it is good to take time every once in a while to remember to savor the journey, giving thanks for the opportunities instead of just crossing off the days.

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And if you’re like me and you’re not exactly sure where you’re headed, it’s okay. We can both give wishy-washy answers to annoying questions and the excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom and not feel shame. When people give us a condescending smirk because we’re simpletons who don’t know what’s next, we can remind ourselves that the joke’s on them because life rarely ever goes according to plan.

I guess in a way that means I’m prepared.

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You never know what might crop up around the bend.

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